I also try to explain why I consider the usefulness of self-defense.
I also hope to show others how dangerous it is to play with other people feelings and self-esteem and how such a thoughtless action can ruined someone's life.
My Story:
In my young life, negative experiences in love began for me.
I had no friends or one single sometime friend and I didn't belong to anything.
Despite everything, I continued to believe faithfully in everything, and also in the goodness of people.
When the time came for me to come out, the worst thing started.
I went out in the gay community for the first time
And that was already accompanied by many unsolicited touches by the somewhat older generation in the scene.
It all started with going out on my own, because I didn't know anyone else.
And just then you are already attractive to many gay men.
For example, a man offered me something to drink and said that I had a sweet appearance.
Nervous yet complimented, I took the drink.
But even before I could take a sip of the drink, I felt one hand glide over my crotch and the other hand over my bottom.
I asked him why he did that and he answered with, you are not made of stone and you are so beautiful not to do it.
I let him do what he did because i was affraid he got mad, but when he went to the toilet, I grabbed my chance and went home disappointed.
After the same repeated situations, it was made clear to me that this was how it should be and that I had to open up more.
Because no one else turned out to be interested in me, I set myself up in the hope of finding a friend.
Because that was the only thing that I was looking for, and certainly because my experiences had made me afraid of intimacy.
Then I took the step to go to the coc in the hope of finding "more normal contacts".
After a few months, a nice friendship developed without intentions.
But after a while the group was made up of 5 people, that eventually grew up to 2 couples and me as an individual.
As the years grew, many arguments and jealousies started.
Until one November day plans were made to celebrate December 31, New Year's Eve together.
New Year's Eve had arrived and I was preparing for a pleasant New Year's Eve.
It was fifteen minutes before midnight and went to call where the other remained.
No call was answered and after an hour it began to dawn on me that they had forgotten me.
Two days later I received an unsuspecting phone call from one of the friends, and he offered his apologies and told me that he was not allowed to call me that night because they preferred to celebrate with the 2 groups.
In fact, the plans were already there to throw me out of the group because I was only a burden for the 2 couples.
Shocked and disappointed, I thanked this "friend" and hung up the phone.
After months of having to deal with many questions, I again took the step to go out again.
With the intention of being able to listen more to my own feelings. After months of being on my guard, I met a group of older men where I was finally accepted. This created a nice friendship with one of the men.
After going out for a while, we took the step to visit each other, and after a few weeks this turned into an overnight stay.
Surprised that someone finally accepted me without intentions, we saw each other more often.
Until during the overnight stays the lusts prevailed.
By the agreement to just start as friends and nothing more, he started me "while he thought I was sleeping" to rub me on my crotch and body.
After indicating several times that I was not ready for this, the friendship became less and less.
Until we had made agreements to continue as friends.
In the end the attempts continued to force me into sex and if I refused I was asked to leave his home.
After months of occasional telephone contact, he invited me to come over to offer his apologies.
After a 2-hour conversation, he offered me to watch a movie as relaxation.
After some hesitation, I decided to accept this invitation. And because he regretted his compelling attempts to force sex, he offered to lie down on the couch against him so he could give me some safety to give me back some trust.
Because my need to be together without intentions, I again did not look at my experiences and I preferred to give someone another chance.
What again came as a true promise, was this also of short duration.
What he thought was meant to be teasing, he tried to turn it into a game to put his hand in my pants, while I indicated that I didn't like it.
It became a struggle until I fell off the couch with my pants open.
Immediately this person jumped on top of me with his full weight and held my both hands with one arm on the floor and the other hand disappeared to my crotch again.
Because this person was 2 meters tall and he was lying on my ribs with his iron buckle from his belt I couldn't move because of the pain.
After a number of times begging and crying, this person did not move a single inch and lay only with his eyes closed enjoying the power he had.
Because of the anger that was still present, I sat over the pain and was still able to bite his neck.
That caused a moment of distraction that allowed me to throw him away from me with the strength that I still had.
Without any hesitation and begging to stay, I went home with 2 bruised ribs.
All alone with pure disappointment and sadness I went to bed.
After all, nobody would believe me and this person had a large group of friends that I would meet again if i would going out.
In the end I called my mother and told her what had happened. She advised me to make a declaration.
She hung up crying and offered me a hug over the phone.
After much worrying, I decided not to make a declaration because there was a chance that if I went out again I would get a lot of people against me.
By wishing for a true friend, this remained a visionary circle.
I kept believing in the good and was sure that there really should be someone who would take me the way I was.
I had learned that friendship comes first and that the rest comes automatically.
Certainly because I often saw that people were abusing by immediately breaking the contact after sex.
Times passed and with almost every new contact where there was a mutual promise not to want pure sex at all, it always ended in a delusion and I ended up in the most dangerous to no controlling have situations.
As also a result of being a victim of a group rape
In the end it was getting worse and I got the frightening feeling that something was really wrong with me.
Every time I searched for help in vain and then I visited a Haptonomy therapist. She promised to help me.
Weeks went by and there was a relationship of trust with her.
She told me that she could not help me with this subject and referred me to a friend who also worked as a social worker but who was gay himself, so that he could advise me better.
I made an appointment with the man and my parents dropped me off and would pick me up an hour later.
After a small introduction, he suggested me to start and taking a seat on the couch.
Again, this also started to feel very different from normal.
He sat down in the corner of the couch, and while he sat wide-legged, he told me to sit quietly and relaxed against him.
After minutes of silence, he said that he was very careful opening my shirt and slowly began to massage my chest.
Confused but still hoping he wanted to help me, I asked where he wanted to go.
He advised me not to say anything and to focus on his hand.
After 10 minutes I received a phone call that my parents were on their way to pick me up.
Immediately afterwards he told me to close my shirt again and to make another follow-up appointment.
He said that the next session would mean that I was allowed to stay for the night, so that I could lie down against him and not be afraid that something would happen.
Immediately when he saw that I was quite surprised, he said that I should not tell my parents about this, because that would only harm the therapy.
Moments later I said goodbye and I told it my parents in the car, because I thought It was only me who thought it was strange.
My parents decided to immediately stop the therapy and contact the psychiatrist the next day.
They told them that that was not true and that he could never imagine such things.
Of course she broke off the contact and said I was a liar.
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unfortunately I can tell this story much more extensively, but I only hope to indicate that it is so important to stand up for yourself, even though no one believes you.
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Thank You So Much For Your Time To Read This.